Yesterday's experience with an attempted car theft and the flow of the day beyond it left me musing about some things. I'd been in the middle of writing yesterday's essay and musing about the wisdom in the spider and spider web that appeared in the part of my garden I'd hoped to work in. I didn't want to disturb the spider and her web and I wanted to learn the teachings of the experience. There is so much we can learn from nature, from our experiences, from our impulses, from our longings and the things that cause us to pause.
As I wrote in my morning journal today, I pondered questions around what might have been if the break in had never happened. This reminds me of those movies that plot around timelines and alternate realities. I remember a Star Trek ~ The Next Generation episode that did a great job exploring this theme. Mr. Worf is coming back from a Bat'leth competition and encounters some kind of space anomaly that threw open a multiverse of possible timelines. I remember feeling like it was one of the most expansive things I'd seen as the show explored the different Mr. Worfs that came with each timeline. There was something in there about causation related to outer circumstances that was fascinating.
It left me wondering who I might be today had this attempted car theft not happened, as well as who am I becoming because of this experience.
Some might say, "Oh just shake it off and go on with your life," and I confess that I said that to myself a few times. But the truth is we are shaped by our inner and outer lives and it can be valuable to give some thought to how the events of our lives, and our reactions or responses to them, shape us.
Yesterday I was in shock and moved through the rest of the day somewhat on auto pilot. I took care of the practicalities without letting myself feel. Later in the day, when I'd done all that could be done, including sweeping up the glass in the parking lot because the condo management company told me that was my responsibility, I went to the pool and got in the water for about an hour. As I slowly moved through the water with modified breast and back strokes, I looked at the movement of the water, the clouds in the sky, the airplanes that flew high above me, the branches of trees as they moved with the breeze, the lilting flight of butterflies. I emptied my mind and allowed the water to support my body.
Then there was dinner, a bath, sleep. I rose this morning feeling a heaviness that is yet to lift. I'm noticing without judgment where I am and what I need. There are things to do today that, if I wait, will congest my week. I am thinking about what I wrote a few days ago, "Just live, and see what happens."
Part of aliveness is awareness. It enables us to have agency in our lives. I may not be able to stop thieves or the consequences of their actions. This thing is still going to cost me at least the $500 comprehensive deductible on my auto policy. But I can think about who I am becoming as a result of this experience. Becoming is not something that requires us to surrender our power, even if sometimes we surrender to the flow of where life takes us. I'll get back to observing the spider in my garden and her web. At some point, hopefully, this nonspecific anxiety and heaviness will flow into peace again. My focus will return and I'll continue to reflect on this experience and its teachings, even if I did not choose it and it chose me
Tomorrow Has Become Yesterday is a daily writing practice that opens a landscape of discovery into my own human experience.
Katherine Cartwright has been blogging since 2012, and each year brings new wonders. She asks big questions of the small things in life.
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