Musings on the 40th Day

I've been feeling blah this weekend and a bit out of sorts. I notice that I can fall into this after I've returned from spending time at my mother's house. The initial lustre is beginning to wear off these visits as I come (more) face to face with the "realness" of my mother's death. I know that grief is a process. I know that the brain has to map the new reality. I can feel the mapping happen and the initial cushioning that I felt in the early days begin to subside. The shock of the death of someone we love can put a buffer between a person and her grief, but it's not something that will last forever and eventually we're left raw from the loss.

I cut flowers from my mother's garden on this visit again and took them to the graves. There is a strangeness I feel, a sense of unreality, when I stand over the place where her ashes are buried, and the thought that all I can do with or for her now is bring flowers and visit her grave is, oh I don't know, something I can't quite wrap words around yet. 

I've been writing in tiny bits. I'm almost half way through this summer writing project. Today is the 40th day. The number of the Wilderness and the Underworld Journey. They open before me. In the Wilderness, the territory ahead is sweeping. It does not appear to be nourishing or supportive. It does not feel like a place I would choose. The Underworld is descent, and I have crossed the threshold. There is no turning back. The only way is ahead, and I am aware that I am moving through an initiatory experience. And like all such experiences, life will be different on the other side and so will I.

There is no clarity beyond that, no way to predict an outcome, no control. There is only a willingness to be sensitive to what is emerging. The opportunity is to notice, to grow through continuing to show up and not numb myself from my experience. 

The temptation is to put my head down, to be busy and distract myself from my feelings, but that feels like a disservice both to the love and life I shared with my mother and to what I might bring back by being willing to be present for this experience. The value of any Wilderness experience or Underworld Journey is what the soul willing to brave the experience can bring to the community. It's the most ancient motif of life together that we have. That we are willing to move through the hard times and be proof that we can survive our lives and the losses that are part of the fabric of experience. 

Mythologist Joseph Campbell called this idea the Hero's Journey. It's the journey of braving experience in order to bring back knowledge that will benefit the community. As I recount this, I think about how different the world is now than when Campbell was alive. He's been gone 35 years, and in that time our culture has shifted radically. And yet, the idea that the true hero is the person willing to show up and brave the full range of human experience feels more powerful than ever. 

Creating Space: Three Months of Showing Up for What's Showing Up is a daily writing practice. Turns out that a lot of this writing explores the landscape of grief. My mother died shortly before I began this writing, and this is what I'm thinking about most of the time these days.

Katherine Cartwright has been blogging since 2012, and each year brings new wonders. She asks big questions of the small things in life.