Solstice Morning

The day is exquisite, soft and filled with bird song.

I'm stunned by the silence, when usually the sounds of car engines and lawn power tools punctuate the early part of the day.

I look around at the chaos in my space - my apartment strewn with Amazon boxes and things I've brought home from Mom's, things I haven't tidied in the normal course of days. There's also the chaos in my inner space, as my brain maps the new world in which I've landed. A landscape without the usual markers that tell me I'm home, safe, and nourished. 

It's ironic that the summer solstice in the northern hemisphere shifts into being when the sun crosses the zero degree of Cancer, the sign of the Mother, and I am learning what it means to be without mine. I'm thinking about her so much, how much she loved life, how much she loved her family, how much she loved her home, how much she loved me. 

How much she loved.

Someone once wrote that grief is the price we pay for love. I'm not sure I would say it quite that way, but I certainly feel what he or she was trying to communicate. 

I spent some time this morning, in my morning journal, thinking about what my mother valued, what shaped her life. I came up with a list. I'm not sure it's exhaustive and I wonder why I chose what I chose to see today. Here's a glimpse:

What would Mom want? Our happiness -- she knows we could never forget her. What was her life about?

Making a beautiful home. Lovingly prepared meals. Travel and adventures (mild, safe-ish adventures). Laughter. Enjoyment. Art and Culture. Knowing where we come from. 

I am thinking about her values. Duty. Service. Family. Pleasure. Moderation. Caution. Country and citizenship. Having nice things. Although later in life, she became more measured around money and spending. Responsibility. 

There has to be more. What am I missing? Why are these the things I see today? 

A lone pickup truck guns its engine, drives off, and the street is quiet again. 

Except for birdsong. 

Creating Space: Three Months of Showing Up for What's Showing Up is a daily writing practice.

Katherine Cartwright has been blogging since 2012, and each year brings new wonders. She asks big questions of the small things in life.