Cultivating Balance

I went back to work today having carefully planned the day. I know myself. I can return to work and be swallowed for 13 or 14 hours a day trying to catch myself up. My plan shifted as I worked to manage my stress around knowing that I could not finish what I would have liked to have finished today. Cultivating the discipline to return in a balanced way, to understand that it will take me at least a week to return, to "dig out," reminds me of my drive to Chicago last week.

I'd rented an SUV to take a load of things to my daughter. The drive is about 12 hours, without stops. I understood that trying to do the drive in a day was possible but likely not the best way to get there, so I split the drive into two days . . . 7 1/2 hours on Saturday and 4 1/2 hours on Sunday, with an overnight stop in a beautiful place in between. 

So here's my insanity. I'll freely confess it. I had plenty of time both days to do it well and take care of my body, but I just wanted to get there. I drove nearly non-stop both days. The first day I stopped once to get gas. I was in and out of the car just long enough to get gas, and stopped a second time (quickly) to go to the bathroom. I should have paced myself and stopped every two hours for 10-15 minutes to stretch and walk around. I should have consumed a lot more water than I did. The second day I got gas before I got on the road and drove straight through. I should have stopped at least once, again, to stretch and walk around a bit. 

The drive to arrive sublimated my desire for a more balanced, healthy approach to the task. 

There were costs. My body did not feel as well as it might have had I taken better care of it. I needed to find a massage therapist to work on my feet, ankles, and legs before I got on the flight to come home. 

I notice similar effects to my body when I don't return to work well after time off, and respect that I am human and not a robot. I continue to work on this even after 35 years in ordained ministry and learning the lesson over and over again. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who pushes too hard in order to get things done, and I wonder when I'm going to be kinder to myself. 

I scheduled time with my son this afternoon, to run a few errands together, spend time with each other, make and enjoy dinner, and drive him back into the city. I effectively made it impossible to overwork today. I set boundaries that enabled me to be as kind as possible to my nervous system, at least to have a scaffolding for that. Tomorrow I don't have the same levers planned into the day, but I hope to respect the tasks I set for myself and not jump ahead so I'll "arrive" early. Not spin my wheels trying to do what is impossible, or at least inadvisable, to do in a day. I'll think about creative ways to cultivate balance.

Fall-ing In Love: 40 Days of Noticing is a daily writing practice that opens a landscape of discovery into my own human experience.

Katherine Cartwright has been blogging since 2012, and each year brings new wonders. She asks big questions of the small things in life.