A Bit of Grace. A Bit of Space

I've been thinking about the promises we make to ourselves, and the times those promises may collide. Just as there are competing interests in our outer lives, we have competing interests in our inner lives. 

I'm right there in the thick of it.

I had my third night in a row of night waking at three. The gastric discomfort and the racing thoughts. The temptation to stay in bed til noon, or later, since it's a day off for me. Last week I got up, dressed up, and went out and bought myself a new capsule wardrobe whose time had come.

But how many capusle wardrobes can I buy?

I got up nine-ish and went about a few ten minute tidies around the house. Got dressed and started laundry. Drove in a large circle to get gas, run an errand, and go get my Covid shot. Stopped at the store for some lovely fresh veg and flash frozen salmon and headed home. Split a flagging bouquet into two, trimming away the ends and giving them fresh water. 

Sat down to write. 

I recognize the signs of wintering, or late fall-ing into the darkening time of the year. We're just at the edge of it, and it's a shock to the system. 

I lay awake between four and five and picked up my phone. I know. I know. I should have got up and read my book, but bed felt cozy and that's about all I can say on the matter. The algorithms have become canny. They put before me all manner of anxiety and insomnia fixes. Adrenal exhaustion products and high cortisol elixirs.  

I roll my eyes at myself as I confess that I bought a thing you hold in your hand that sends out electrical impulses to stimulate an acupuncture point to calm anxiety and let you sleep. I also bought a two-month supply of a pre-bedtime magnesium (and other things) drink powder. I'd seen them all before, some for years, but they were definitely impulse buys. 

The impulse to try anything that promises to interrupt this late (or early?) waking thing before it becomes the new normal. 

The grace? The space? I've fall-en a day behind in this writing. I'll catch it up, but for now grace, space. Permission to show up when it feels good.

Fall-ing In Love: 40 Days of Noticing is a daily writing practice that oepns a landscape of discovery into my own human experience. 

Katherine Cartwright has been blogging since 2012, and each year brings new wonders. She asks big questions of the small things in life.