Resetting Boundaries

I need to read my own blog.

About six years ago I wrote about personal power and setting boundaries. And today it seems that no matter where I turn, I am running into places where I need to set and hold a boundary. 

Often we think that boundary setting has to do with other people when, in truth, it has to do with ourselves. The strongest boundaries we can set are with ourselves. Where is the line within that I cannot cross? And not that I can't cross it, but to do so would not be good for me.

The question then becomes - where is the line within that I will not cross? A more powerful statement. A decision.

I'm finding the need to take a strong exhale here and to remember to breathe.

Why is boundary setting so difficult?

I think that there are several reasons, and I'm finding them hurtling toward my consciousness in the moment like a chaotic mass of indistinct threads. 

One reason may be that we don't want to disappoint other people, and another may be that we don't want to disappoint ourselves. Ultimately, I think it all boils down to this at its core. With these kinds of struggles, I think it's best if we can simplify it as much as we can. Otherwise, we get lost in the mind's arguments fueled by ego and the false self. 

So, one sentence, one reason, we can hold and work with.

The authentic self knows where its lines are. We can feel them in the body, and the body never lies. For me, I can feel uncomfortable sensations in my body that seem to be signaled by the amygdala. In a very real sense, boundary issues are life and death issues for us. 

It's important to be aware of that, otherwise we will continue to be nice to others rather than kind to ourselves. 



The tricky thing is that sometimes ego and the false self sends us their own amygdala-fueled signals. So we must be discerning. Drop into the place of wisdom, slow our breathing, and notice without judgment what is going on for us.

For myself, I find that I usually take myself to my limit and then experience anger and frustration. That clues me in that something is going on for me. At that time I have to set aside the anger and frustration, thanking it for its service, and step into a place of discernment.  I will often journal or speak to myself out loud, until I can discover what is going on with me. Sometimes a walk in nature helps if I can get outside. Sometimes I talk to a trusted friend.

I look at the situation from as many sides as I can. I try to discover where I have any blind spots. I listen for places where I see repeating patterns in my experience. What do they tell me? 

When I was younger, there were times when I had to admit to myself that I might not be able to emotionally handle the work I needed to do in my psyche. After identifying that, I would step into a place of non-judgment if I could and simply acknowledge that. Life will continue to send us situations that highlight the inner work we need to do until we do it. 

I'm chuckling as I think about writing that there is never just one opportunity or one way to do our inner work.






The Summer of Self-Love is a daily writing practice created to cultivate three months for thriving. The goal at the end is to host a dinner party. Sounds like an unusual Hero's Journey, doesn't it? Most of them usually are.