It Just Is

I surprised a friend today when I pulled out an entrelac piece I've been working on. 

Entrelac is a complicated knitting method that requires intense focus and concentration. It is not forgiving, but it produces a beautiful result. I learned how to do it about 15 years ago when I took a class after I took up knitting again. It was a wonderful challenge. I produced several pieces, but the last piece I was working on was my favorite. I splurged on a beautiful wool. And it's close to being done. Actually, I haven't worked on it for years, but I pulled it out with the intention of finally finishing it.

As I was examining the piece, I noticed several places where it appeared that I'd dropped a stitch. Normally, it's a fairly easy fix if you catch it quickly, but in a complex pattern like entrelac, it's devastating. As I looked closer, I found four places where the piece had begun to come apart. That's the effect of a dropped stitch. It can unravel the whole work. 

Except I did not drop a stitch. The yarn broke. 

And the more I looked at it and tried to fix it, the more it unraveled. 

It's heartbreaking. And there's really nothing to do but toss the piece. I have another like it, another favorite. Another heartbreak. I have it still folded up somewhere in my bedroom because the thought of throwing it away is so difficult. 

Letting go is hard. 

As I held that beautiful knitwork piece in my hands today, I saw in it all the situations and things and relationships I've had to let go of in life. There was grief, but there also was a feeling of release as I stood there, holding this beautiful piece of work I had put so much of myself into, so much time, so much effort, something that was unraveling due to no fault of my own. The material simply is broken, and there was no way to anticipate it. 

It just is. 

A Hundred Days of Happiness is a daily writing practice that opens a landscape of discovery into my own human experience.

Katherine Cartwright has been blogging since 2012, and each year brings new wonders. She asks big questions of the small things in life.