But it looks more like a marching band.
I'd wanted to draw her like an ancient Celtic warrior but somehow she ended up wearing something that looks like a tux and has a mace in her hand instead of a spear.
It was a rough morning, but somehow I managed to keep my sense of humor. I look at my Attendance Card and chuckle a bit because Wild Thing looks fierce, as she usually does, but she could also be in Cabaret. Her army could just as easily be her chorus line.
I'm working around boundaries these days.
I have a colleague who says she pays attention to what I do with boundaries and that I'm a role model for her with that. That I'm good at boundaries. I find it amazing that others see me that way because that is one area I feel definitely needs improvement. I'm better than I once was, but I feel like I have a long way to go before I am comfortable with how I set and hold a boundary.
Take work, for example. I'm working with a congregation part-time. At their request. They want to dedicate limited resources for their transition work and reserve resources for later. This is not unusual, but there's only so much pastoring that can be part-time. It's like being a part-time elected official or a part-time doctor. You're always on call and there is a lot of work to do.
Still, part-time work in a congregation can happen. It requires agreement around how everything is going to get done and more engagement from the laity. There are things I don't attend to and limited times I am at the church. The church has adjusted its output over some years and we're not increasing the volume of what they're doing. The interesting thing is there are still things that need to be attended to and I find that people try to cram a lot into the times I am there and to use things like email to stretch my time and attention.
So often, the day after I am "at work" feels more like a recovery day than it does a day that I can dedicate to my own endeavors. It begins with waking up with a headache and with feeling un-rested. I have a slow start to my day. Sometimes I don't get to what I'd hoped to accomplish. And because it's for me and for my own benefit, and not for the benefit of others, it sometimes suffers.
There is a definite need for attention to boundaries here.
Awareness is a good first step.
This morning in my morning pages I noted that it feels like there are two of me. It was a deeply physical awareness. I'd been noticing how my body felt. My left side was swollen and in pain. My arm seemed like it was hanging limp. The body never lies. There's a lot of good information there if we're willing to pay attention. I noted that havoc on Wednesday flows into the rest of the week. And I reminded myself of the mantra of transitional ministry. One I created for myself.
I master myself and my reactions; I surrender to what I cannot control and remain unattached to outcome.
This works for most other life situations as well.
There's a tiny note, "I need an army of Wild Things." I was completely serious when I wrote it and it is interesting to me. Do I need more of me to fulfill my obligations? To do my work well? Do I feel isolated and in need of support?
Or do I need that army to marshal me for battle? To bring all my inner resources to the task of setting workable boundaries and not making myself responsible for other people's choices?
That's probably the one.
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The Summer of Self-Love is a daily writing practice created to harness three months for thriving. The goal at the end is to host a dinner party. Sounds like an odd Hero's Journey, doesn't it? Most of them usually are.
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